Comparison Mind, Quantum Physics, and Compassion

Dear Friends,

I have a new mantra that I have been using with my in-breath and out-breath:

Inhaling, I am awesome. Exhaling, I am not exceptional.

I started using this mantra because I noticed my inner voice sometimes says the opposite. I find myself toggling between I am not doing this right, I am not doing anything right, and I am the only one doing this right. 

So my new mantra reminds me that I am wonderful just as I am and I am just one of the many wonderful beings that share this planet with me.

The Three Complexes

Thich Nhat Hanh (Thay) teaches what he calls the three complexes: the superiority complex, the inferiority complex, and the equality complex. Some of us are more likely to live in the superiority complex thinking we are the only ones who get it. Some of us live in the inferiority complex, thinking we are simply not capable of being as wonderful as other people. 

And some of us habitually practice the equality complex, comparing ourselves with others to see if we are as good as they are. The equality complex sounds like a good idea, but since we all have different lived experiences, different genetics, and different opportunities, comparing ourselves to others usually leaves us feeling envious, jealous, and resentful. The equality complex usually leads directly back to the pendulum swing of inferiority and superiority.

Relationality and Interbeing

One way to loosen our habitual comparing mind is to recognize that we inter-are with the person(s) we are comparing ourselves to. Without the left there can never be the right. My feeling better or worse than someone relies on that other person’s existence. How can I say I am better or worse than that person if I would be a completely different person without them and they would be different without me? Quantum Physics is in agreement with Thich Nhat Hanh and the Buddha’s understanding of a relational universe (read more about how quantum physics understands interconnectedness/interbeing.)  

Compassion Practice

Another (possibly easier?) way to understand and overcome the three complexes is to develop compassion and loving-kindness towards ourselves and others. When we practice self-compassion, we recognize that we are doing the best we can with the lives we have, and we extend that same kindness to others. By seeing and celebrating the beauty and success of ourselves and others, we shift our focus from comparison and competition to connection and collaboration.

When we need to act on our comparisons

We had a conversation about this in my class on Applied Mindfulness recently and we highlighted one important addition to working with our complexes. There are times when we might think, that person isn’t doing that right, or that group of people has more than their fair share, and there are times when we need to act to remedy that unfairness. 

So, for example, if you’re a woman or a person not being paid a fair wage (check out the National Domestic Workers Alliance for a deep dive on that and to learn that April was just declared Domestic Workers month!), we don’t ignore our feeling of unfairness when we compare ourselves with others making a better wage, instead we act to make the system more just. 

As the Dalai Lama (who is currently having his own moment of media shaming) once said, “If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.” 

The three complexes are ways that we worry and/or ruminate about whether we are better than, less than, or equal to others. Ruminating and worrying always takes us away from the present moment, the only moment in which we can act to support well-being for others and ourselves. It’s the only moment in which we can find any goodness, joy, or happiness. 

When we are caught in a moment of thinking we are better, worse, or equal to others and when there isn’t anything concrete to do to make the situation better, a helpful practice is to notice the thoughts and replace them with more helpful thoughts.

Thus, my mantra. Inhaling, I am awesome. Exhaling, I am not exceptional.

I choose to celebrate myself and to remember that everyone is worthy of celebration. I am not better than, less than, or equal to anyone else. 

Give it a try and let me know how it lands for you - I'm always here if you'd like to share your thoughts with someone.